He's a dick and I'm a dip shit. It's the hardest thing sometimes, keeping your feelings to yourself. If I wasn't able to write the lamest bullshit about it, I would probably go insane. And that has happened to me before. Keeping emotions bottled up, not writing it out made me crazy. I had no one and no way to vent. Now I just write it. It's all I can do. I can't share this with anyone (but you guys) and it sucks. I let things get in my head and eat at me. I'm the type of person who will want something so fucking bad that that desire consumes me until I have whatever it is. I'm a very passionate woman. But I know there's sometimes a line I cant and won't cross. I won't do anything to cause him trouble or hurt him. Nothing really happened after all. Just little moments that I wish meant more than it did. If I wrote of every moment, it might make more sense why I'm feeling this way. But I will never attach his name or description to it. He plays, I guess. Im the game. The joke. Every time I let go of the intense feelings that eat at me, I end up getting what I want or something better. It doesnt always go the way I want it to but it feeds my hunger for a moment, until it subsides and I move on completely. These are things about myself that I'm not particularly proud of but I know myself pretty well. I have a bit of an addictive personality. I become addicted to certain feelings & even if it isn't obvious, its offering me some sort of reward. My reward right now is writing material. I might never taste what Im craving in this situation - I might never taste him, but something worth savoring will enter my world and I won't let go until Im satisfied. I need something else to write about because that's why my stubborn ass won't let go completely. Maybe I think too highly of myself now but I know I always want people Im way too hot for. And way too sensitive for. And they just chew me up & spit me out. I never learn. I want to do the chewing up now. Just once. One touch. One taste. One time. I want to use him up & leave him wanting, feeling how I feel right now. I wish...I dont want to be this person. This needy, greedy bitch.
How mean did that sound? How desperate?